by Sisam
it’s been a few months.
another chapter, another version of me
i don’t know what to call this one yet.
whatever it was —
it was beautiful.
even if it didn’t last long.
even if it left quietly, without warning.
i am grateful.
for all of it. for every single piece. 🌿
somewhere in the middle,
i broke a little.
missed home so badly
it lived in my chest like something heavy.
missed the way things feel
when you’re somewhere you actually belong.
and at the same time —
i was pushing everyone away.
distant. closed. unavailable.
present in the room
but nowhere near. 💭
i know what i’m doing.
i see it.
i know what triggers it,
i recognize the pattern,
i understand where it comes from.
and still —
i find myself here.
again.
and again.
i have tried.
i want to be different.
but wanting and doing
are not always the same thing.
and i am so tired
of pretending otherwise.
i don’t need more advice.
i need someone
who will just sit there.
a friend, a loved one, a quiet room —
something that doesn’t immediately try
to fix what it doesn’t fully understand. 🤍
i need someone who can hold
the messy, unfinished,
contradictory version of me
without turning it into a lesson.
not answers.
just presence.
just — stay.
everyone grieves differently.
everyone heals differently.
everyone falls apart
in their own language.
there is no right way.
there is no wrong way.
there is only the way
that is honest to you.
and sometimes the most loving thing
you can offer someone
isn’t a solution —
it’s staying in the room
while they find their own. 🌫️
i don’t know what this chapter is called.
but i’m in it.
still writing it.
still here.
still grateful, even now —
Sisam 🌿